Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
