I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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