Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
