This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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