he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
