So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
