Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
