im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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