Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
