I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
