Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
