I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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