I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
