Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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