You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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