she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
