Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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