I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
