GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
