my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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