mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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