I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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