What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
