Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
