How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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