Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i don't like sucking hair
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
