I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
