While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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