Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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