Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize