Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
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Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
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Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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