dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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