youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
