this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
