i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
