My sheets look like a crime scene.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight