New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
