Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
