I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
