he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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