I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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