tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
