So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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