those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
