I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
