So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
