i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
