I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
