Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
