proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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