She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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