Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
