I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
