I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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