so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
