yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
