Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
