I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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