I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
