my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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